These past two months have so transformational.
About two months ago, I decided I’m gonna stop living in hopes of seeking the next guy, whether it be fling-thing or long-term relationship. God has definitely blessed me with singleness, and taught me so much during this period of time. I was honestly super afraid of the idea of being forever-alone for the first couple weeks. It’s been the first time (in a long time) when I haven’t either 1) had a boyfriend 2) had a fling-thing or 3) had interest in somebody.
Pure, unadulterated singleness.
In these past two months, my love for friends, family, and strangers has increased beyond what I thought was possible, for someone like me.
I always thought I wasn’t a loving person. I was constantly feeling like my love wasn’t enough for people, or that they didn’t want it. Because I spent so much of my time, resources, and love on whatever boy was in my life at the time, I hardly had any time, resources, or love to invest in my friends, family, or even the random strangers I would encounter during the day. I was so focused on being “that” girlfriend, who went the extra mile. What would typically start as going out of my way to make time for the boy, which slowly, but surely turned into making them my whole life. That’s where I went wrong, every single time.
A few things I’ve learned this past month:
Being single has its benefits too! Gone are the days of having to report to someone about your whereabouts and plan things in advance with friends. This by no means I went buck-wild cray as a newly single woman. It just means that I could actually be mentally presented during my time spent with friends, without the constant worry of taking more time than I originally allotted. I no longer need to text someone the play-by-play of what went on during every hang out. I can now roll out of bed at whatever hour I please, text a few people to see where they’re at, and join them at my leisure. These simple pleasures in life were so foreign to me at first - I honestly didn’t understand why I had given up this type of freedom so early on in my life. With no one constantly asking me about my schedule, my life became more spontaneous. The unplanned brunches, the late nights at friend’s apartments, going out to Brooklyn Brewery, Circle for the first time (LOL), countless lattes at Coffee Foundry, staying up late with friends and those inevitable life chats that come being awake in the wee hours of the morning, singing in WSP (and getting scouted by a record label!), and planning Senior Night. Oh, and Barcelona was amazing.
What I’ve come to appreciate so much over these past months is the number of people who’ve reached out to me, and allowed me to be a part of their life. Friends who may have started out as acquaintances or friends-by-association became close friends with whom I could share my struggles with. At first, I thought people simply wouldn’t care, let alone understand. As the walls came down and I shared, I was pleasantly taken aback by how much people could care about my life and my struggles, and how willingly they were to walk alongside me through them.
Thank God for these people, man. They helped me rebuild what I thought was my life, and led me to pursue greater things. When I was emotionally distraught, never was anyone unwilling or too busy to listen.
I think these past months have been a spiritual uphill battle. Often times I felt alone and unlovable. That I had screwed up too much in my past for God to still love me. That my problems were too great for God to care about or deal with. Through so many people He reminded me of His unconditional love. Thank God for sisters willing to pray with and for me.
School was a toughie too. I blocked out all academic-related things after failing midterms. All my weekends in late March to early May were devoted to planning events: Corporate Mingle, 30 Hour Famine, Senior Night, Initiation. Never have I been so stressed out about things that did not directly affect my GPA, haha. Thank God for those people who saw me in my stressed-out, crazy-mode and took time to go on dessert dates and give me hugs when everything seemed impossible.
As this year finally comes to a close, I cannot wait to see what is to come. I’ll be going home for two weeks after finals, and then coming back to intern at PwC in New York. I hope this summer will be a time of continued growth. I hope I can build on the existing relationships I have with my current friends and make new friendships. I hope to continue pursuing after God through all these things.